T.M.I. Tuesday
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
As much as I love and appreciate Heather and Danny, I promised myself that this would never become a blog about pooping, peeing, puking, and any other bodily functions that involved fluids. As far as I'm concerned, sharing that in-depth with the internet is like inviting a stranger into your bathroom during a bout with a 24 food poisoning bug. Say it with me-- ICK.

I must, however, share with you the story of my recent, very bizarre health scare. This morning, around 3:45 am, I woke up in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. No exaggeration - this was pretty damn bad, and I have a high pain threshold.

Imagine waking up in the midst of the world's most intense menstrual cramp, ladies. Now add the muscle spasms of a charley-horse to that (only in your shoulders and ribs), and throw in some general nausea as an extra. Welcome to my morning.

I crawled (yes, on all fours) to the bathroom, thinking I could solve this little puzzle myself. When that didn't help, I tried making myself throw up. That didn't work. So I crawled back to my bedroom and laid down on the floor, and took the next logical step -- calling my mother. (she's an RN, people, I'm no sissy - I wanted the info)

With several possibilities on the table, I listened for the next half hour as she rattled off self-diagnosis tactics for me to try. News flash: it's not that easy to figure out your health status when you can't straighten out your body, climb into your own bed, or take a deep breath.

That left me with two options - appendicitis, or insanely bad gas. Yes, I said GAS. Who, me?! Surely not - I'm the girl who can't stand fart-talk in any situation. HW, I almost called you to ask you what your appendicitis felt like, I'm SO not kidding. The pain never localized into the lower right quadrant of my abdomen, however, so I'm only left with one explanation...

Turns out it was just the worst case of gas known to man. I felt like I was in the early, shockingly painful stages of childbirth. I almost passed out at one point. From gas.

So, so embarassing.