The Business of Beauty
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Last night, the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion show aired on CBS. I couldn't help but watch as it played not only to my reality tv addiction, but also to my fervent love for shoes, clothing, and accessories. Had the models been wearing handbags, I would have been in heaven...but I digress.

I shall employ the metric so popular amongst those bearing opposable thumbs: The Siskel & Ebert Test. Onward!

Thumbs Way Up To:

- Heidi Klum and Seal together. He may look a little scary, but they are an adorable couple and did you see her postnatal figure?! Damn.

- One model crossed herself before hitting the runway. I see that as a sign that she's nervous, somewhat modest, and wanting to do her best without popping out of her bra, or having her wings break onstage. I think any performer should always be just a TEEN-SY bit nervous - it keeps you on your toes.

- Victoria's Secret execs making it clear who has what "best feature." I'm composing a thank you note to the person who decided to cover up Tyra Banks' ass.

- Congratulations to the model who got her shoe stuck in the junction of two runway plates. She seamlessly stepped right out of it, and continued in rhythm down the runway with one shoe on.

- Use of my favorite Basement Jaxx tune.

- Alessandra Aramios (or whatever the hell her name is - the one in hot pink carrying the big pink bag). If I were a lesbian, or a heterosexual man, I would have photos of her all over my apartment. She is completely gorgeous.

Thumbs Down Down DOWN to:

- Tyra Banks being described as the Michael Jordan of the runway. No way in hell.

- The obvious timing of this production as a huge holiday sales and marketing vehicle for Victoria's Secret. I wonder what would happen if I went into one of their stores tonight and said, "I want to buy that Tin Soldier outfit, but I'm afraid that the wooden rifle and cylindrical hat will overwhelm my figure. Do you have that in a petite 8?"

- Ricky Martin. Need I say more?

- The glaringly obvious lack of redheaded models. The only redhead I saw throughout the entire show was one of the toy soldier back-up dancers, and she was UGLY. Where is Angie Everhart when you need her?!

In short, I was mesmerized by the show. I thought it had a surprisingly high production value and was genuinely entertaining -- even Ricky Martin, as obnoxious as he is. I secretly hoped that hundreds of young, latin men would come streaming out of the woodwork and the show morph into a surprise Menudo reunion.

Additionally, I thought it was wonderful to see the behind-the-scenes clips of the MANY people it takes to make these women look as beautiful as they do. I think it's important for the general public to know that each of these models has about 10 professionals buzzing around her, their sole purpose to make her stunning. Right down to the dude who applies the gold shimmer lotion, strategically to bounce light off of cellulite, cover moles and birthmarks, and make each bosom appear that much larger. KAROLINA KURKOVA HAS CELLULITE, EVERYBODY. I SAW IT, ON CAMERA. I can't emphasize how much I appreciated the relative de-mystification of the modeling world.

If I had a staff of 8 following me around, doing my hair, makeup, and putting bronzer on my butt cheeks, I'd look a hell of a lot better too!