Wax On...Wax Off?
Friday, December 02, 2005
Last night, while I was dutifully filling up my burgundy baby at the pumps, I decided that she had gone too long without a bath. After pulling into the fabulous and luxurious BPConnect carwash, I turned my engine off and started the mental dance/trance that is the carwash jet thingy. I can't get enough of it - I am always mesmerized by the multicolored foam and...well, I'll just stop myself there.

Right after the tri-color-wax-spray-car-shield-thingy finished, the machine made a loud groaning noise and shut off. The three streams of wax were sliding their way down my car, and starting to look like an afghan off the set of "That 70's Show." I waited a minute, hit my wipers, and noticed that all the helpful lights on the sides of the wash had gone dim. The big garage doors were shut, and only one light was left on. I had no choice but to ignore my growing claustrophobia and call the BP.

(ring ring) BP Connect, this is Mike.

Yeah, ummm....hi. I'm actually in your carwash right now, well in my car, but I'm stuck in the carwash building thingy. Everything just shut down and my car is covered in...stuff, and the doors aren't lifting, and the...

Okay, I can see you on the camera. I'll open the door and you can drive around for a new code and new wash.

Ummm, well, that won't work because that swiveling sprayer doo-dad is sort of blocking my car. I'd have to break the entire machine to get out.

I see the problem. I'll be right out.

10 MINUTES LATER, he comes into the garage thingy and wrestles the sprayer back into position. After ascertaining that the wash was indeed broken, he instructed me to drive around for a refund.

What's the worst part of this story, you ask? By the time I got back out to my car to drive to a manual carwash (i.e. the kind with men who scrub and vacuum, etc.) all of the detergents and waxes were frozen on my car. Sort of like it's been coated with an industrial layer of spunk. I WISH I WERE KIDDING.

So if you see a burgundy Mitsubishi driving around Lakeview this weekend, and it looks as if it's been the victim of a spunk-and-run of ELEPHANTINE proportions, be sure to wave!