Weekend Update with Jamie Jamerkins
Monday, August 07, 2006
Early Dog Walk Proves Unexpectedly Bizarre
Puddles of fresh, human blood, accompanied by a visible trail of bloody footprints and handprints discovered in apartment building courtyard Saturday morning while walking dog. Cops called, incident added to long list of reasons why building management needs to have their licensing revoked.

Busted
Resident redhead caught dancing around in underwear by neighbor walking outside. Innocent bystander sues for damages (claiming damaged retinas) while offender promises to always doublecheck blinds before playing Track 9 of K.T. Tunstall's new album.

Medicinal Efforts Prove Futile
Dog attempts to celebrate restored gastrointestinal health by chewing on loose pieces of tempered automobile glass in alleyway. Owner nearly breaks said dog's neck pulling him away from glass, and is forced to poke through canine's mouth to ensure no glass has been consumed. Dog is immediately dragged home, whether he had to pee or not, STUPID DOG.

Daughter Misunderstood
Efforts to explain to her very conservative mother why E!'s "Girls Next Door" is this season's most hilarious television show backfires. Conservative mother is forced to watch anyhow. Daughter fears permanent, disappointed judgments have been made and promptly blames white wine served at dinner

Postponed
Laundry. Again. Procrastinator fears eventual nudity is inevitable, and plans run to bank for rolls of quarters, while placing blame squarely on evil landlord.