Monday, November 06, 2006
On the outbound flight, I had the extreme misfortune of being seated directly behind a young woman who was rather talkative. And by "talkative," I mean didn't-stop-talking-to-her-neighbors-in-her-outside-voice-from-the-time-she-sat-down-to-the-time-we-landed-in-Detroit-and-can-I-please-stick-hot-pokers-in-my-eyes-now?

Since a majority of the ridiculousness occurred while we were waiting in line for takeoff (which meant that I couldn't use my iPod to drown out her insanely annoying northern Illinois accent- even worse than my own), the only thing left to do was eavesdrop. Oh, and also to make a list of all the things that came out of her mouth, because DAMN if I'm not going to blog about it. I also attempted to get an audio clip so that you could all suffer with me retroactively, but none of them are clear enough.

Here is a list of the topics (and some quotes!) she covered during our 30 minute wait, and also snippets of the rest of the 1-hour-20-minute flight. Enjoy. If you begin to feel nauseous, please utilize the air sickness bags, provided for your convenience in the seatback pocket in front of you.

"Hey - they have TVs on this plane! Even in economy class!"

Tour around Italy during high school honors class trip - complete with scrapbook photos and a detailed story about how she violated the clothing code in the Vatican, and broke the rules by taking a photo of Michelangelo's tomb. (bonus - random story about pickpockets, and an in depth explanation of why she would never want to be Catholic)

A complete history of her grades from K-12, and the healthy behaviors she had that helped her to achieve such a level of success

Explanations of each page of her scrapbook, which included a breakdown of each person in every photo, and her relation to them

Discussion of her knitting project (sitting blatantly in her lap, alongside the scrapbook)

"I got stuck in regular people classes, which were SO BORING."

Pictures of prom & homecoming, and the camping trip afterwards where she deliberately did not share a tent with her boyfriend because she didn't want people to think she was easy.

A story of her 6-month battle with mononeucleosis, including the victorious narration of how she slept her way through French class and still got straight A's! et voila!

Her boyfriend. And then, some more about her boyfriend. Did she mention she had a boyfriend?

Story about a car accident she got in that WASN'T HER FAULT THANK GOODNESS OR HER INSURANCE PREMIUMS WOULD BE SKY HIGH AND DID YOU KNOW THAT SHE WORKS 80 HOURS A WEEK ON TOP OF HER SCHOOLING TO AFFORD THE INSURANCE? Fortunately for us all, the other party's insurance paid for her 5 months of physical therapy.

Photos of her father's second marriage to a woman she really dislikes.

Photos of her dogs, which are both weimeraners. She pronounced it "weimer-eimer" and was corrected by the man sitting in front of me (who was right). Then she corrected HIM on his pronunciation, and make up some cockamamie story about how the breed name was pronounced in ancient Germany.

Side note: This story reminded me immediately of Anchorman - "San Diego, translated means a whale's vagina." I chortled out loud, and then had to slink down in my seat when she looked back to see who was laughing at her. Whoops.

Took the time to counsel her seatmate on proper academic time management skills, and not-so-subtly suggested that her seatmate's daughter might benefit from time spent away from her extracurricular activities.

A detailed breakdown of her bank account balance, and how she "schools" her financial advisor each time she visits because she knows exactly what she wants to do with her money -- a lot of her story had to do with CDs and direct deposits, as if she had invented the whole "automatic deposit into a savings account" idea. Bonus story: how she can make $100 last an entire month.

Stories about being elected to homecoming court, and how she didn't win but that's okay because it's a popularity contest at her school anyway.

And finally? A full history of the college scholarships that she was offered (including dollar amounts), and her response to each one with an explanation why a certain insitution wasn't good enough, or how many extra hours she'd have to work to attend another.

Seriously. In writing, it's almost as annoying as it was in person! As she chatted her way through the wait time to exit the plane, I exchanged looks with several people within earshot as if to say, "are you as frustrated with this as I am?" You're irritated now, aren't you? I have a talent for that, in fact, I got this scholarship in high school for it...