Open Letter to My New Neighbors
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Well, hello neighbors! I was wondering when someone would buy that unit - did you know that I'm one of only two units on the entire floor with whom you share a common wall? Yes, yup. That's me, the little redhead. And that wall is roughly 26 feet long. So I met your mother the day she closed on your condo - she's a lovely woman. Very calm. She mentioned her college-aged daughters would be living there, and said that you were both just wonderful young ladies and that I would have nothing to worry about.

But you're in college, and I get that. I remember what being in college was like. I remember loud, raucous parties. I remember the seemingly endless supply of pineapple and malibu - or perhaps you're into the everclear and kool aid, whatever. It's cool - weekends are weekends. I was young and crazy once, too.

You what I didn't do, though? I didn't throw parties on Wednesday nights, and let my friends hang out on the roof outside my neighbor's windows. Yup, me again - I'm that neighbor. Hello! Remember me? Here's a visual in case you were wondering what your friends might have seen if they peered into my windows.

I also didn't power up the ol' karaoke machine at 1:30 am on a Monday morning, only to sing one incredibly loud, slightly offkey solo, then stop again.

Could you maybe pick another song? Say, perhaps one your vocal range will actually accomodate? For me, pretty please?

Okay, well maybe not. It's cool, though. I'll still band together with the other people on the floor to call the cops regularly, knock down your door in my pajamas to ask you politely to SHUT THE HELL UP IT'S TWO A.M. ON A DAMN THURSDAY, and report your nocturnal comings and goings (and those of your 50-odd friends) to the building management office.

You know what, just forget about it. And don't you EVER dare to ask me for a cup of sugar, or a phone call if you're locked out. You can sit in that hallway until you rot for all I care. I officially hate you.

Your Neighbor Jamie