A Day in the Life of a Bitter City Dweller: The Grocery Store Edition
Friday, January 30, 2009
This just in: Local Woman Jumps into Frigid Lake After Attempting to Stock Up on Groceries, Muttering Something About Garages, Parking Lots, and the Suburbs. Please enjoy this sampling of the thoughts that ran through my head while running errands Wednesday night.


Why do I always get the broke-down hoopty shopping cart? Next time, I'm carrying WD-40 and paper towels in my handbag.

Dammit, what was the DIY substitute for buttermilk? I don't want to spend $2.49 on a huge jug of buttermilk. GAH, why can I NEVER REMEMBER THIS? It's not like I'm constantly in need of buttermilk.

Who could possible need so many types of canned chili?

It seems that cityfolk are so used to crowds that they prefer to linger in the middle of the aisle, perusing their choices in cracker products. I need to get by! Do they not see me waiting here, staring at them while they decide between Melba and Wasa? THEY BOTH SUCK. NOW MOVE ALONG, FOR THE LOVE ALL THAT IS HOLY.

What do you mean, you're out of sweet potatoes? Did I arrive here on the heels of a massive tidal wave of yam consumption?

If I bump into another person with this ill-steering cart, I am going to put a barbeque fork in my eyesockets. Why are city grocery aisles so narrow?!

Oh man, I have way too many bags to be able to hail a cab. I can barely lift my arms. DAMN YOU, JILLIAN MICHAELS AND YOUR 30-DAY SHRED. Maybe a cab will just *sense* my need and pull over.

Oh boy, here's a cab. Now, how am I going to open the door and get in?

Oh God, I'm home. How am I going to get out of this cab?