On Fear and (self)Loathing
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Upon deciding to move forward with a long-desired project, I realized recently that it was one of the first things I'd ever done truly because *I* wanted to. (jams own index finger into sternum) Gut decisions are not exactly my forte - I prefer to go through a protracted period of listmaking and hyperanalysis before making any decisions. Analysis paralysis is one my more charming attributes.

Why are we so afraid to trust ourselves? Why is it that I am JUST NOW, at thirty years of age, telling other people to F themselves and do what I want anyway? After all this time, has being compliant really gotten me anywhere? I don't know.

It feels like a lot of people in my life have recently started to tell me what they think of me and my decisions. (For the most part, they merely echo what has already bounced through my own mind, which makes for a very annoying Greek chorus) I concede I've brought it upon myself because I am very open with my feelings and thoughts. How do I take my privacy back? You can't unring a bell, as they say.

Honestly, I welcome some of it - the logical, non-judgmental stuff. As for the rest, all I feel is this unrelenting pressure, like a 50-lb. anvil of expectations weighing down on my lungs. I am having trouble drawing a line in the sand. GAH - the assvice - it is everywhere. Is there a polite way of telling someone to stuff it? I could use some advice on THAT.