Ego Schmego
Friday, March 30, 2007
I know this may incite a maelstrom of haterade, but I really have to get this out of my system.

I simply cannot stand bloggers who constantly post photos of themselves online. I really hate the whole "365 days" photo project, and I don't understand the whole "oh look at me I'm so ugly won't you please compliment me?!" tone of their posts.

It is one thing to study self-portraiture as progressive, introspective art - a mixed media that involves so many variations on the theme of "self," but it is another thing indeed to call a bunch of overly photoshopped SPs "art." Where do we draw the blogging line between ego and art?

I have gotten so annoyed recently with certain bloggers that I'll stop reading them, and then come back later hoping that the constant stream of imagery and self-deprecation stops. But they don't. And it doesn't. What's even more frustrating is that these bloggers are smart, funny, sassy, warm, intelligent writers. For the most part, I like what they have to say and how they say it - I just cannot stand the insipid tone of some of the posts, and the inevitable fawning on the comment boards. I gave these blogs the best of my attentions and time, but I can't take it anymore.

Do these bloggers feel that their lives are so harried that they choose to fill their rare "me" time with constructing elaborate photo shoots in their bathrooms, taking pics of their least favorite body parts? They don't get enough attention in real life, so they go looking for it on the internet? It's a slippery slope of codependence: digital cameras and people with low self-esteem. I put the occasional photo of myself up on my site, but it's never accompanied by a post about how depressed I am about my ass. I choose to let my words do the talking...and to clarify, I don't think that EVERYONE that puts self-portraits online are full of themselves - I just think there's a line there. A line that too many people willingly cross.

I just don't get it. Somebody please explain this phenomenon to me.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I don't usually do entries on shopping, but I've had this link bookmarked since...well, forever ago. I have fallen in love with this ring.

If you're feeling generous, I'm a size 7.

Just kidding.

Not really.

Suddenly I'm Feeling Very...Broke
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
One of the many fabulous reasons why I have a blog is to ask for advice. Usually, I'm just giving out advice, and that's mostly unsolicited. But I need your help, dear readers.

I'm moving away from my current homeowners/auto insurance provider, and looking to shop around for lower rates. Because I find the world of insurance quoting both tedious and boring (not to mention confusing - thanks for all the unnecessary information, Edmunds), I'm just going to poll the studio audience.

Who is your auto insurance provider, and are you happy with them? Any suggestions you have would be fantastic. Thanks!

That's one Speedy Wiener!
Say what you will about crazy dog lovers, they sure are positive folks. I may never put my dog in some insanely stupid costume and parade him around town, but it works just fine for some.

This One Goes Out to Keith
Monday, March 26, 2007
You know what song always makes me really happy on the inside? "Rock Lobster" by the B-52's. It's just so sunny, and fun, and upbeat - how can you not laugh out loud when listening to it?!

Things I Learned This Weekend
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Making tuna salad without mayonnaise just feels WRONG, somehow.

If given the opportunity, the dog can and will take a massive dump in the most embarassing part of your neighborhood - notably outside the front door of the ritzy boutique hotel around the corner, on their welcome mat. Let's just say that I do not think his behavior was...ahem...welcome. (cha cha cha)

Classical music helps me to concentrate on my writing - especially pieces with trumpet solos.

One trip to the Lush store will leave you smelling of soap and fruit all day long.

Reading books on decorating small spaces only makes me want more space. Mostly for shoes.

The movie "Bring It On" really, really, REALLY irritates me. I think it's mostly their use of the phrase "cheertator," combined with the weird flat quality of Kirsten Dunst's front teeth (the shape of which you can also find on Cynthia Nixon).

I love Paula Deen, but holy pajamas could she PUH-LEASE tone down the damn eyeliner?! Lordy.

I am not a soprano, as much as I might try to stretch it. Alto city. (note to self: discard Vanessa Carlton CD immediately)

Summer is just around the corner, and so is my brand new, stay-puff hair.

Friday Randomness
Friday, March 23, 2007
The homeless guy that begs for change between my building and the nearest McDonalds actually put his arm around me today. It was genuinely weird, almost as weird as the last time a homeless person touched me (although that time I was slapped in the face in the grocery store). This guy told me that if he "had a nice suit and a thousand dollars," that he would "grab me and go." Gas station slogan references aside, I am REALLY hoping that he meant that in the "run away together" sense, and not the "I'm going to kidnap you in the night and stun you with chloroform until we're across the border" sense. I admit, neither choice is the ideal scenario, but you know what I mean.

I was so stunned that his hand was on my shoulder that I couldn't even come up with a response to the effect that no amount of money could convince me to run away with an ugly, sometimes rude, sometimes drunk, homeless person...even if said homeless person dons a Conant High School letterjacket in the winter and tries to sing be-bop songs from the 1950's which oddly, I find to be both pathetic and endearing.


In other news, more information about me:

Things Jamie Loves:
Skim Milk
Marc Jacobs handbags
Diet A&W Root Beer
anything in clever packaging

Things Jamie Hates:
that weird Homeless Guy
Sisal Rugs/Flooring
Vanilla - mostly just the smell
Ice cream on top of anything
Juicy Couture
dogs in bags
Ann Coulter

I Want to Hug That Kid in the Back
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I could spend all day (and part of tomorrow) making fun of these kids, but instead I'm going to take the high road. I'm going to remember how nerdy I was for many years, and recognize that I would NEVER have been brave enough to videotape something like this, let alone put it out there for the entire internet to watch.

I don't know if it's brilliant, or just stupid...but it makes me laugh laugh LAUGH like the dickens.

Love/Hate Relationship
Recently, I launched an internal campaign to become more responsible with my money. I spent 6 months recording everything I spent, then used spreadsheets to analyze my spending patterns, with pie charts, bar graphing, the works.

Actually, no. That is what I should have done. But I am ME, and part of being ME is being rather absentminded when it comes to stuff like money. I dislike the intense amount of self-discipline it takes to track stuff, balance things, and use a calculator when the numbers always seem too low. I've tried many times to make it a game, a puzzle, and use all the strategies financial advisors dole out in their self-help books. So I wing it (for the most part), and hope for the best. As I've gotten older, my feelings about dealing with money have become a cycle of rebirth, reorganization, stress, failure, and then ultimately the GUILT which spurs me on to a new cycle of rebirth (aka picking a new way to "figure out" my finances).

But I digress. The point is - I'm in a new pattern of trying to save where it seems logical to save (imagine that!), which I haven't done a whole lot of because I haven't HAD to. I'm single. I have no children. I can justify the purchase of anything - don't shop with me unless you want to hear the truth about how your butt looks in those pants, and then a short diatribe on why it would be completely sensible to buy 3 pairs of those pants ANYHOW.

In short, I'm a mess. But over the past several years, I've been making small strides and getting better. I made another small stride on Monday afternoon -- I got a library card.

It doesn't take analysis for me to know that one of the things I spend (a lot) of money on, that I probably shouldn't, is books. I prefer to own them - I like to be able to go back and read again, make notes, have the book at my fingertips. The old adage "you can't take it with you," didn't really apply to my book addiction. In response, my new approach is one of logic and emotional distance - creating a buffer zone between me and my love for books.

It's a small step, but for me, an important one. Especially since I live less than three blocks away from a gorgeous, formidable library that is full of books, magazines, quiet, free WiFi, and also has this intangible quality of life to it. I swear, when I walked in, the hair stood up on the back of my neck, and it wasn't the smell of the books that caused it. The place just buzzes.

I immediately headed to my favorite section - the circulation stacks housing cookbooks, budgeting books, and manuals on housekeeping. I saw this little baby and had to stifle a squeal of delight. Even though I think Martha Stewart is a complete a**hole, I'm all for her tips on seasonal decor and the million ways you can clean with white vinegar. It's like porn...for Jamie. Did you know your local library carries household porn? It's so exciting.

And best of all, it's free. Guilt-free, hassle-free, FREE.

Weekend Update
Monday, March 19, 2007
This weekend was one of the best I've had in awhile - and by "best," I mean laziest. I cannot remember the last time I willingly just sat around for two whole days. Sure I got SOME stuff done - like putting up new lighting in the kitchen (which I mostly owe to Sean because even with a stepstool, I'm not tall enough to reach the ceiling, AND I know nothing of wires and such). Now I can see the instructions on a recipe without turning the light on in the dining area, and I can boil water without using the light under my microwave! No more kitchen cave! Brilliant!

I also finished my latest review for Delush - you can read it here.

Book club on Friday was entertaining as always - including news on an engagement for one of my best friends, and intermittent discussion of whether or not "pinot noir" translates to "black penis." (welcome, pervy googlers! glad to have you here) Next month, we will be reading Nickeled & Dimed and potentially holding our meeting at The Ritz, as one of our newer members is employed as a pastry chef there. Ironic, no?

Sean and I also took advantage of our bright, clear weather this weekend and walked up to the river - we walked all around town, actually. Doc managed to hold up pretty well, considering he doesn't usually get 4 miles of walking done in TWO WEEKS, let alone two days. They were cold walks, but pleasant and it is nice to have fresh air available that doesn't freeze the boogers in my nose immediately upon inhalation.

Also included: a quick trip to Target, experimentation with a recipe for Peanut Butter & Banana muffins, and various sessions of monkeying around with the HTML on this site. This week, I plan on focusing why the damn banner takes up half of the page. I also kind of miss the disco ball masthead. It made me feel all seventies inside.

What did YOU do this weekend?

Here I Am...(duh nuh duh NUH NUH)...
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Last week, in a moment of stress, I changed my cell phone ring to a MP3/hifi version of Scorpion's "Rock You Like A Hurricane." It did the trick, and still makes me laugh out loud when I hear it. Sure, it's trashy, but who cares? It puts a smile on my face.

What song is YOUR ideal ringtone?

And Here I Thought that Pedigree Commercial was Bad
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I adopted my dog Doc from a wonderful lady named Lois, who runs the Animal Service League in Dowagiac, Michigan. Every so often, when I'm considering another pet (which is more and more often these days, even though I know it would be bad timing), I surf their site looking for my next bundle of fur. I also surf the websites of approximately 9-10 other shelters, but that is beside the point.

Tonight I came across this. I think it goes without saying that I'm an advocate of purchasing a pet from a responsible, accredited breeder, or BETTER YET, adopting/rescuing -- cat, dog, ferret, it makes no difference.

Please read that article, and please: If you're getting a pet, please at least consider adoption. It is one of the best things you can ever do for your soul - not to mention, for your karma.

Book Meme, because I'm too Busy to Think
I've seen this going around, so I thought I'd jump on it. Interesting, although, if I'd written it, there would be no inclusion of LOTR or Harry Potter, because they've never interested me, and never will.

Look at the list of books below.

• Bold the ones you’ve read.
• Italicize the ones you want to
• Don't do anything to the ones that you aren’t interested in.

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. Bible
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMavrier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

Wow. It Really Happened.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Even though I was the captain of the University dance team (which is officially a section of the marching band), I never took a side of the whole "Chief Illiniwek/Anti-Chief" issue. I was pressured to do so, but never did - I'm still conflicted on the entire thing. I'm not a big fan of the commercialization the symbol, but I never saw anything (perhaps other than the halftime dance, which in my opinion, was just stupid) as being totally offensive.

Looks like all the efforts of so many students over the years have not been enough.

I guess all those sweatshirts and t-shirts are collector's items, now. Strange.

Attention Beauty Geeks
Monday, March 12, 2007
Stacy over at Jurgen Nation has posted an INSANE compilation of beauty ideas and suggestions. I submitted a few, well maybe MORE than a "few," which you'll see - along with scads of other amazing suggestions and ideas. Plus, she's a dog person! LOVE IT. 3 snaps in a z formation!

JN Beauty List

Furniture & Relief
After a winter full of working weekends, I was thrilled to be able to have this past weekend for relaxing. Until I realized that my definition of "relax," is to sit on my duff and do nothing - and I had plans for both days, so in a twisted way, I relaxed but it wasn't relaxing.

Wait - where are you going?

Sean came in on Friday, so I got a bunch of stuff done and out of the way before then - including manually unclogging my bathtub drain. Nothing makes you feel more like a homeowner than fashioning a wire hanger into a teeny, tiny hook and then using it to pull a RIDICULOUS amount of your own hair out of a drain. Also, it was one of the more disgusting experiences of my life. Now, however, the drain is crystal clear and running like a champ, so the nastiness was worth it, in the end. I was going to take photos, but what came up was so unbelievably gnarly that I couldn't even stomach the idea, let alone leave all of you with the painful, visual images.

Saturday I attended a bagDaddy party at my sister's home in the 'burbs. Sadly, none of the bags really interested me...and that's saying a LOT given my love of handbags. Most of them are just...dare I say...really, insanely tacky looking? My mother offered to purchase a new makeup bag for me (no pic available) which I ordered in this bizarrely whimsical fabric with Wild West cowboys on it...then I picked up a matching set of smaller makeup bags in a black, tooled leather. My brother in law told me they reminded him of "Brokeback Mountain." I told him he could stuff it. An hour later, I "got" my own joke and laughed out loud in the car. By myself. Niiice.

Sunday morning, I went to church. And by "church," I mean IKEA. I've been stalking a few things online that I wanted for the condo - and surprisingly, I found them to be just as appealing in person. I got a tv stand, an office chair, and among other assorted goodies, a track of task lighting for my very dark kitchen. Once I get them up, there will be photos. Until then, just know that I made it in and out of the store WITHOUT doing any of the following: eating swedish food, pulling my hair out due to stress and crowds, killing stupid people that stop mid-aisle to discuss which khaki runner to buy, and buying assloads of stupid, useless crap just because it was $2.99 for a set of 8. I did, however, buy a glass cookie jar for dog treats. It was countertop friendly, and matched the aesthetic of my kitchen. Ahem. I consider that a victory, all "IKEA" things considered.

What did YOU do this weekend?

Ooh, that Smell!
Friday, March 09, 2007

Oh, that's great. Just great.

Click here for more.

Being Clean Kills...Apparently
Thursday, March 08, 2007
According to adults (and my friends who are far more mature than myself), life is all about compromise. To this end, I have been thinking a lot about serious issues these days -- mentally loaded topics like animal cruelty, global warming/ecology, fiscal responsibility, healthy eating, and of course, NASCAR.

Seriously though, I've been doing a lot of thinking on the concept of adulthood and personal responsibility. I, like a lot of people my age, live a somewhat contradictory life. For instance, I see the logic behind "Super Size Me," but still enjoy McDonald's french fries. I also love things that come from suspicious environments like Nike sneakers and juicy steaks, among others. Today, I managed to get myself lost as hell on the internet while I was eating my lunch, and ended up at this website. I have to admit I was intrigued...I'm a beauty product whore/junkie like you wouldn't even believe, so I was particularly interested in the bad rap given to the cosmetics divisions of many consumer packaged goods companies.

Allow me to be the first to say (well, second if you count Joey Lawrence), WHOA. I struggle to find a non-preachy way to say this, but have you seen how many brands test on animals? Rabbits, dogs, cats, you name it...blinded, burned, cut open, scalded, immobilized for weeks at a time - unfortunately the list goes on and on.

Before you throw your arms up in total disgust about this topic, consider this: I have not gone vegan, I won't throw red paint on you if I see you in a fur coat, and I don't plan on making any major life changes because I saw a photo of a rabbit with its eyes burned out of its head. This post isn't about judgment - it's about awareness.

There is a list available on the website referenced above of companies that DO test on animals, and ones that DO NOT test on animals. Out of curiosity, printed out the former, and went through every closet in my apartment and removed products that had been labelled as hurtful...I won't list them here, because that would be, well, boring. But I took photos, because I like to pretend that I'm a savvy blogger.

Here are the household products that I have purchased, that have come at the expense of a helpless animal:

(click to enlarge - does not include Lysol Wipes and Ziploc baggies, which I overlooked)

And for personal products? See for yourself:

Yes, I have a tendency to pick blue, white or silver packaging. What of it?

I don't see the point in throwing them away, frankly, becuase Proctor, Gamble, S.C. Johnson, and Gillette aren't going to be standing in my condo to witness my disposal of their brand names. But I'll be thinking long and hard about buying their products in the future. I appreciate people who start letter-writing campaigns for this cause now, because the thought of someone removing a chunk of my dog's leg muscle for testing (then tossing him onto a concrete floor for disposal while still alive) brings white, hot tears to my eyes. I often look at products (particularly cosmetics) and wonder what the big deal is about something being cruelty-free. Now I know.

Not a blog post that will change the world, but something to think about.

Contact High
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
There I was, a mere ten minutes ago, waiting patiently (heavy laundry bags in hand) for the freight elevator to stop at my floor. It finally opens, and I see them...those two guys from upstairs somewhere that always look sort of unwashed. They are surrounded in a cloud of smoke - I get into the elevator because I'll be DAMNED if two hoodlums who rent in my building are going to keep me from completing the task at hand.

Then the door shuts, and it hits me. No, literally - the stench hits me like napalm: Mary Jane is in the house. And by "house," I mean elevator, and I think you know what I mean by "Mary Jane." These two must have been carrying the lit joint on them - that, or they are the most talented breath-holders I have ever met in my entire life. The trip down to the first floor was kind of like rolling with Snoop Dogg, minus the bling, the video hoes, and of course, the 22-inch rims.

And it was good weed, man. I could tell just by the smell of it, and I'm not a user (recreational or otherwise). I suddenly felt jealous that they're off to have a good time, and I'm settled in for a night of laundry in my holey pj pants. The Merchant Ivory film I had lined up via Netflix only compounded my fear that I might actually be 27 going on 64.

Small, Small World?
I am very fortunate to have had the opportunity to travel in my life, so why does putting together a harmless widget (like the one you see below) make me feel like an ethnocentric, close-minded American? I really need to get out there, apparently.

Joy in Everyday Life
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
In the absence of actual, well-written posts on my own blog (oh wait. do I ever have those, really? whatever), I've decided to link up to a blog that I enjoy immensely. I read it almost every day, and while Elaine lives a life that is almost completely 180 degrees away from my own, I can relate to much of her content and message. She posted something yesterday that is WAY too cute to be ignored - that of her daughter, Lily, doing a dance in celebration of her breakfast. And really, when you think about it, isn't breakfast exciting stuff?! You go, Lily.

Weekend Update with Jamie Jamerkins
Monday, March 05, 2007
Well, folks, it was a doozy. I spent most of Friday procrastinating all my household chores, then spent Saturday hanging out with Sean, and taking care of only the most important and/or time sensitive ones. What is it about coming back from a vacation that makes one feel as if they need another vacation? Sheesh.

Yesterday I emcee'ed my final dance team competition for the year, which was bittersweet. I so enjoy being part of that "world" and that industry, and having taken a couple steps away from it in the past years, I can honestly say that I'm still not sure if I should have left. Selling out to The Man might be more lucrative and have great side benefits like, oh, say...medical coverage and a 401(K), but that is nothing compared to the instant gratification that I get from helping someone make an event run smoothly, or making someone smile.

Now I have big, dark circles under my eyes, a case of the sniffles, and some minor congestion. Why can't they make the flu shot inclusive of common cold protection? What the hell?

I'm going to go blow my nose, now. I finally put my pictures from Switzerland up in my Flickr account (still working on some of them...I took WAY too many) so go check that out.

**Update: I forgot - I also worked on some reviews for DeLush - here is the most recent one. Yes, I actually wore metallic nail polish in public.

...shivers uncontrollably
Friday, March 02, 2007
Have you ever wondered what was missing from your bedroom decor? Perhaps soft, ambient light, or maybe throw pillows?

Well, if you've ever thought to yourself (as many of us have), "Gee, I need some wall art that will be so frightening that I'll never want to sleep ever again," then this is just what you need.

Comes complete with creepy sensations of being followed, and bonus (!) eerie stares from your very own conquistador.

Brevity is the Order of the Day
Thursday, March 01, 2007
I had an epiphany at the doctor this afternoon about small talk - and how it is often unnecessary and awkward. Situations like breakups, cab rides, strip clubs, airplanes, and exams at the (ahem) lady doctor. Chit chat simply isn't necessary when you both know what's about to happen.

So thank you, Dr. Foley, for being brief. No really, thank you. Small talk with you would have been incredibly awkward, and also, pointless. Even though you kept me waiting for an hour, the fact that the entire exam took less than 10 minutes was, undeniably, what saved you from being on the receiving end of my pissy, gloomy attitude.

Next time can you at least warn me about the intern that will be observing you? Call me conservative, but I usually like to at least meet and shake hands with someone before allowing them to investigate my nether region.