180 Proof Positive that I'm a Great Aunt Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Doing my best to corrupt the little ones...

Click here for a video of how well I have Bri trained. Enjoy!

"Pop Pop" is the word we use for Grandpa - that is Dick Cheney's voice that you'll hear in the background. And YES, I'm aware that I sound overly nasal and midwestern. But I live in the midwest, and I have a somewhat nasal voice so EAT MY SHORTS.

Lest we forget the most important part of this weekend. What a fantastic day to spend recuperating on my couch! Wah-hoo!


The reigning cheesehead and his trademark smirk.

Weekend Update with Jamie Jamerkins

Under the Weather
Sudden food poisoning of an undetermined nature holds helpless victim in its clutches Saturday night, through the night, and into early Sunday morning. Sabbath is not day of rest as previously indicated to victim in the Bible - it is the day of rehydration.

Good Time Ruined for All
Great hair/make-up day ruined by sudden onset of vomiting (see above).

Someone Gets Their Ass in Gear
Jamie sits down, figuring out site creation and ultimately, redesign. Debut is contingent upon the creation of fabulous banner (thereby removing current placeholder banner - a picture of her cleavage originally used a joke). Throngs of expectant readers can plan on an early March roll-out.

World Says Goodbye Yet Again
Recovering patient tunes in to Torino Closing Ceremonies, only to be mortified and forever scarred by roves of clowns painted all in white. Claims that she was not warned of impending clown coverage.

Blogging Becomes Disappointment
Lunchtime online journaling is not as enjoyable, says one, due to poor soup choice at deli around corner.

Song of the Day

Brushing those Monday doldrums aside with this classic tune from one my favorite bands.


Side note: Do not execute a google image search for the word "queen" unless you're prepared to see the results. I'm just sayin'.

Arabesque, Pas de Chat, and Changement, oh my! Friday, February 24, 2006

Tonight, I get to do something I haven't done in years. Sally Field bought tickets for a full, ballet production of Romeo & Juliet, by an incredible company. And for that, I like her. I really, really like her!


While I realize that, for some people, seeing a 2-1/2 hour ballet is the equivalent of having meat tenderizers shoved in your eyeballs, I cannot wait! I HEART THE JOFFREY.

gag...cough...sputter...gasp Thursday, February 23, 2006

It all started out innocently enough -- getting into an elevator car that was occupied by a thin man who looked unassuming in his button-down shirt and wingtips. I greeted him, and wondered to myself the reason behind his unusually flush cheeks - ruddy, Scottish complexion perhaps?

Then, I inhaled.

The only thing MORE embarassing than walking into someone else's fart cloud (and having to stay there) is realizing that they are going to get off the elevator before you -- which means that if anyone should get on after that, YOU will be blamed for the PUTRID, DEATHLY, SMELLS-LIKE-ROADKILL STENCH THAT IS HUMAN METHANE EXPULSION.

Suddenly, my cheeks were abnormally flushed - it was like a dutch oven, only strung on high-tension cables. Thankfully, no one else came along for the ride...now if only I could get the smell of foreign fart off of me.

Thinking warm thoughts

In an effort to brighten up her so-far-so-glum day, Jamie went diving through her photo archives for something bright, cheery, and warm. This vision of adorable-ness is what she found.


Brianna Grace, mid-laugh
Williams Bay, WI
Mothers Day Wknd '05

Help! (The Beatles)

Top 10 Songs that have already (yes! and it's only 9:15!) been stuck in Jamie's Head

10. C'est la Vie (Shania Twain)

9. Bittersweet (Fuel)

8. Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand)

7. Copacabana (Barry Manilow)

6. All I Need is a Miracle (Mike & The Mechanics)

5. It's a Small World (Disney, et al.)

4. Shake That Ass (Eminem feat. Nate Dogg)

3. Fruit Salad (The Wiggles)

2. King of Pain (The Police)

1. Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay (Otis Redding, I believe)

This is what happens when I let my mind wander. I'm like a human iPod - a schizophrenic one.

Operation Condo-r Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Totally hypothetical, not AT ALL based in reality question for you --

Jane Smith is looking to purchase a condo. She budgets X dollars for her new place. After weeks of research, number-crunching, and theoretical decision making based on a eleventy hundred contingencies, she figures out that (all other things being equal) she can buy one of the two condos listed below.

1. One bedroom condo in a hi-rise building built sometime between 1920 and 1975. The building is located north of the city, in Edgewater/East Rogers Park. The unit is in a quiet, tree-lined neighborhood, but is quite far from downtown (work) and not up to date.

2. A very large studio in a new, midrise development (conversion of old warehouse). The complex is located in the South Loop, and the neighborhood is still up and coming but promises to, one day, be very "hot." The unit is brand-spanking new, and close to downtown (work), but parking onsite/nearby is a bit pricey.

Jane is in the throes of a difficult decision, and immediately enlists the semi-anonymous assistance of her blogging community. They come to her rescue with straightforward, helpful advice, and save the day! Hooray for Jane's readers!

Which condo does Jane choose?

Reading

Malone sat stiff and listening and each moment he expected some personal revelation. But, although the sermon was long, death remained a mystery, and after the first elation he felt a little cheated when he left the church. How could you draw a bead on death? It was like aiming at the sky.

N.O. Props Tuesday, February 21, 2006

These photos make me want to go back to New Orleans. I feel a weird pull towards the city - and I've only been there once. It's strange, but I sort of miss it. Is that weird?

Thanks, Sweetney!

Open Letter to Male Commuters

Dear Sirs,

Let's get down to brass tacks. I have a small bone to pick with you regarding revolving doors. Etiquette books throughout the last century (or since revolving doors were invented) have designated specific revolving door protocol. The more conservative ones even suggest that men should precede women through this type of door, to provide the main pushing effort.

When you're on one side of the door, and I am on the other, I would expect at least an acknowledgment of my own existence. That being said, I'd like to report a flagrant violation of revolving door policy. Exiting the McDonalds this morning, large Diet Coke in hand, I was involved in a standoff upon my exit. A revolving standoff. (cue western tumbleweed warbly music)

We looked at each other, carefully took our places inside the most logical portion of the door, and then HE PROCEEDED TO STAND THERE AND WAIT FOR ME TO PUSH THE DOORS AROUND FOR HIM. Struggling to put forth all of the effort myself, I nearly dropped my enormous Diet Coke all over my white coat, and I think I may have seen a small smirk cross his fat, smug little face.

Next time you hold a policy session on etiquette, please remind all lazy d**kwads that they are advised to use only standard doors. If not for me, for my Diet Coke.

Thank you,

Jamie

The Elixir of Life Monday, February 20, 2006

I just plowed through a 2-head-of-romaine salad, with grape tomatoes, orange peppers, and Newman's Own Light Balsamic Vinaigrette.

If you walked up to me, right now at this very moment, and asked me to eat a 2X4 plank of wood...I would. If I could put this dressing on it.

Exhibit Z in the Case of "Jamie Becomes Her Mother"

A couple of months ago, I bought some curtains on sale (and we're talking really on sale, people, $9 a panel - am I good, or am I good?!). Since then, I've ironed them and bought rods, but never got around to hanging them. Turns out you need a drill to put curtains up. After some minor nagging Sean finally caved...so we spent Saturday night hanging curtains, and watching the Olympics.

Thanks to a heapin' helpin' of gin & tonics, I survived the deadly eye rolls that resulted from "hey can you move for a second? I'm blogging this."

And behold.....CURTAINS!


If you say anything about the general scatteriness of my apartment (and the big smudges on my dining table), I will...umm...come up with something awful to do to you anonymously. And for the record, NO, I didn't paint the awful radiators. You can blame that home decor faux pas on my landlord.


All told, I spent less than $50 on everything. Someone call HGTV! Am DIY Queen!

#1 Reason Jamie should NOT be allowed to have a camera phone Friday, February 17, 2006

That is, pointless photos like this one.

I love how my pajama top blends into my bed linens like a "Where's Waldo?" book on acid. GOD, I'm so fashionable.



Doc says "Have a great weekend, everybody!"

I am a sick individual

Today, my big goal is to have my desk completely reorganized by end of business. What excites me most about this project is the feeling of complete office zen enlightenment that I will have when I walk in on Monday morning. It's a twisted type of deferred gratification - a gift to myself. Wheee! Let the filing and labeling begin!

For me, time spent organizing is the biggest self-indulgence there is.

Other than eating Ben & Jerry's in my pajamas, that is.

Toot Toot! Beep Beep! Thursday, February 16, 2006

Saw this beauty at the Jewel on Tuesday...you think those trumpet-style horns work?


I looked for Daddy Warbucks, obviously the owner of this fine rig, and found him sniffing canteloupes in the produce section.

The Wheels on the Bus

I am trying my best to be supportive of our dear CTA, but this morning's commute took me across my patience threshold.

For all my Chicago readers - do you ever feel as if your bus driver is trying to play chicken with the cars nearby? My particular route has a section that runs express on Lake Shore Drive, which means that we have to merge onto a 4-lane thoroughfare in a huge, extended bus of doom. This morning, we came within 3-4 inches of sideswiping a black SUV. The driver looked none too pleased by the antics of my wacky bus driver.

This is what happens when I listen to my iPod instead of reading in the morning -- at least when I'm reading, I can cast my eyes down and pretend that we're not continually on the brink of death.

In other news, the weather here is so incredibly gloomy that I decided only a little "September" could cheer me up. Turns out my fellow commuters are not as into disco as I am. There was no good to be had in staying grumpy, so I just let it all out. I jammed my way all the way into the building, a la Ellen DeGeneres, and gave the security guards a good laugh.

Gratuitous Baby Photo Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Here's a belated valentine for the whole internet courtesy of my nephew, Grant.


He recently hit the time in his infancy where he starts to look less like a baby, and more like a teeny-tiny man. Freaky.

Paper, or Plastic?

Running uber late this morning, jumped in a cab. I had to, it was the only way I was going to make it to work on time. (thinks to self, this is starting to sound like the opening rhymes of the "Saved by The Bell" theme song) Got to my building, and handed the cabbie my credit card. No cash on hand -- it happens. He looked at me like I'd just stabbed his mother.

NOTE TO CHICAGO CAB DRIVERS: Mayor Daley is a good guy. He mandated that all cabs have credit card functionality for losers like me who never have enough cash in their wallets. Money is money, regardless of form. Lucky for you, I'm still going to tip your jackass self because that's just the way I am. As for the rest of your anger, well...get over it.

Dumb is as Dumb Does Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Dear Self,

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING going into the Fannie Mae store on your lunch break?! Don't you realize what day it is? Couldn't you have craved Trinidads another day? Are you so stupid to think you could just pop in for a couple candies, then jump right back out?

Will those smooth, fabulous chocolates make up for the fact that you missed the first five minutes of a meeting? HUH?! I certainly hope so, because those candies are also your lunch thanks to that stupid detour you took.

Sincerely,
Jamie

Feb. 14 - It's the New VD

And by VD, I mean venereal disease. You honestly mean to tell me that you never noticed that coincidence?! Sure, keep telling yourself that.

After some serious self-evaluation, I have decided that this Valentine's Day is going to be somewhat lackluster. I can just tell. Sean travels every week for work (did I ever tell you that, internet?) and is out of town right now (we are celebrating this weekend). The saddest moment? When I received a Valentine's card from my dog. Sent by my mother. (Seriously - she put my own address on the return label, and signed it with a handdrawn paw)

(oh my God, stop it already with the parentheses!)

I have a love/hate relationship with February 14th. I want to be all practical and say gruffly, "It's a Hallmark holiday," but part of me secretly thinks it's sweet and romantic (albeit a bit old fashioned). I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the constant stream flowers and candy being delivered to people on my floor.

On the upside, I work in an oddly shaped building and it's DAMN FUNNY to see the floral delivery staff wandering around the floor, looking at nameplates and doorplates. I pretend to be working, but I'm laughing on the inside.

In which she reveals how crabby she is today Monday, February 13, 2006

Sorry to burst your bubble, Chief, but your one seat sofa is what the rest of us like to call an ARMCHAIR.

Dumbass.

Reading

Thus was the world given T.S. Garp: born from a good nurse with a mind of her own, and the seed of a ball turret gunner -- his last shot.

Huzzah!

AM got her baby gift! Eeee!

Giving presents is so much more fun than receiving them!

I'm Alright Friday, February 10, 2006

For some reason, I cannot get the opening theme to Caddyshack out of my head.



DAMN YOU, KENNY LOGGINS!

She Bangs

Since everyone who commented told me to refrain from the temptation of getting bangs cut, I decided...to do what I damn well pleased in spite of all of you lovely people.

Yes, heard it here first: I have bangs. Before all you guys out there roll your eyes, be advised that only women truly understand what a big step this. And while I'm not going through any kind of post-haircut remorse, I am still trying to decide if I really like them.

The above photo was taken early this morning - I did my hair myself. Yeah. So I'm gonna need a little practice with these things.

Clearly, I'm also going to need to put on make-up before I have pictures taken of me. Yikes.

The photo you see here was taken as I was driving away from my appointment. No, I don't live in London - I accidentally set the camera function to mirror image. As you can see, the curls are a risky look with these here bangs.

Either way, it's just hair and it will grow back. For now, I'm going to pat myself on the back for being brave, and move on.

Snip Snap Thursday, February 09, 2006

Haircut tonight - will make snap decision about bangs after I get the input of my fabulous stylist Ken.


In other news, my camera phone has been put to "good" use. Doc thinks the phone is a glowing, noisemaking treat. This means two things:

1. He thinks he will be allowed to eat the treat after behaving himself.
2. He gets really...excited...when the phone comes out. I wish I were kidding.


Just be glad I didn't post a photo of THAT.

As I sit eating my chicken raumen breakfast (I was in the mood for something hot and salty, so sue me)...I try desperately to avoid the sinking feeling that today is going to be just awful. I need to snap out of it.

List of Important Things for You to Know About Today

- I'm so pissed that Ichabod Crane...er...I mean Santino didn't get cut last night on Project Runway, that I can't even speak of it. I need a cooling-off period.

- There's a blind man who rides the same bus as I do. His working dog/helper is an 100-lb. black labrador, with a head the size of my refrigerator. This morning, I struck up a conversation with him and he tipped me off to a new lab-friendly toy at Petco. His dog, Abner, is a big magnet for me - I want to pet him SO badly but I know that one shouldn't pet a working dog "at work." So I refrained. Good karma all around.

- Watched Grammys last night. Was nonplussed by awards and performances. Loved Gwen Stefani's dress. Hated everything about Mariah Carey -- I feel very strongly that her life is becoming nothing but a cautionary tale for Christina Aguilera.

This afternoon, I found myself wondering about one of life's biggest questions.

Whatever happened to Jan from the movie Grease?!


Turns out her name is Jamie (eek!) and she is now an acting coach. She also has two children.

I wonder if they have her enormous overbite...a question for another time, perhaps.

Justify My Love

I consider myself an expert at justification. I can justify absolutely anything. This means that I make a horrendous shopping partner because I can find a way to rationalize any purchase. People bring me shopping anyways because I will tell you if your butt looks fat in those pants, whether you ask or not. I'm your friend, and I'm doing it for your own good.

That $0.99 bottle of Head & Shoulders at the Walgreens is a trial-sized steal! What's that you say? You don't have dandruff? No problem - that can easily be filed away under your medicine/health budget. Just in case. An ounce of preparation...you never get a second chance to make a first impression...etc. It continues on and on, like a self-hygienic, Faulknerian stream of consciousness.

Living alone only makes it worse. Case in point...

Purchase : Rationalization
Cubs dog leash : Matches the Cubs collar I bought Doc last summer.

Jewel Taco Dip : Has 2+ food groups in it - becomes dinner.

Any item of clothing in black : black is classic, slimming, and matches everything

Overuse of ellipses on blog : it's my damn blog, I can write conversationally if I want to

Yet another plastic bin from Target : Organization now saves time and effort later

It's sick, I know. But it's me...take it or leave it.

Personal Panty-fication Tuesday, February 07, 2006

In lieu of Self-Portrait Tuesday, I'm going to give the entire internet (or maybe just my 50 or so readers) an insight into the "real" me. Or more accurately, my paranoia about visible panty lines. This is a hotly contested issue with most women - every woman that I know is a staunch advocate of her style of underwear and an opponent of all the rest. It would be crass to name my personal favorite, but let's just say you'll almost NEVER find me in anything else.

That being said, I was doing some research into Jockey's new No Panty Line family of products. (This link is a picture of underwear, so those of you at work might want to think twice about clicking) I recently bought a pair of these in my favorite silhouette, and was THRILLED that the guarantee held true. In fact, I'm wearing them today.

So there you have it. A self-portrait of me, minus the photo.

Reading

No quote this time around - I'm still not sure how much I'm liking the book.

Unpredictable Monday, February 06, 2006

Yesterday, I got the last of my holiday gifts from Sean - a new phone, with a camera! The millions of people wondering what effect this may have on my blog can stop hypothesizing as of RIGHT NOW. 3 beers into the Superbowl, I decided it was time to try out the video functionality.

Click here for the funniest moment of my Superbowl Sunday. This is one of my best friends (and her roommate) doing their rendition of Jaime Foxx's breakaway hit, "Unpredictable," which I hadn't heard until this very moment.

Like the song, I too am unpredictable. I didn't ask their permission to use this clip. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. The overly loud (and somewhat hoarse) laugh you'll hear is mine.

30-second update

Superbowl boring.
Jamie slightly hungover and under the weather.
Work very busy.
Jamie promise new site soon.
Jamie lazy about technology.
Comfortable shoes best part of day so far.
That is all.

It Ain't Easy Being Green Friday, February 03, 2006

Dear God,

Please rectify the situation that is currently occurring in my gastrointestinal tract. Please confirm that those ham squares that were in my Whole Foods "Snackable" lunch were not spoiled. Please make sure that the queasy feeling I have in my stomach is just a harmless side effect of whatever little bug I happen to be struggling with. If it's really the ham, I'll never be able to sit through Easter supper again. Please, God, please.

Sincerely,
Jamie

Cue the Jackson 5 eight-track

I'm going back to Indiana this weekend to continue judging for their high school dance team circuit. Sally Field, who has a friend in Podunksville (our destination) is joining me for the road trip. This means that our car conversation will consist of the following topics:

- the upcoming weddings of friends (and the ramifications of those events on my life, including hypothetical talk of my own wedding where she will pepper me with questions, hoping that I've changed my opinions about certain things like enormous pew bows, unity candles, gerbera daisies, and carrying a bible with me during the entire ceremony)

- my ongoing (and not yet made) decision to buy a condo

- my dog (Sally wants a dog badly, but is allergic to many, and Dick Cheney won't allow it, so she's living vicariously through mine)

- dancing, and why I'm not doing any of it anymore

- work

- books (and book club and while we're on the subject, what is that book about that we're suppose to read for March, and did it take you a long time to get into our February book?)

- driving, and how I am always speeding

Should be a barrel of laughs - literally. Sally is one of the few people on earth that I allow to chastise me one minute, and laugh at me the next. And I still like her, not just because she's my mother...because someday I'm going to turn into her whether I like it, or not.

Fascinated by... Thursday, February 02, 2006

This. Watched the first half last night -- it's really interesting! It makes me want to research my own genealogy now...you know, in my spare time.

Pop Quiz: Movies Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The rules of this game are simple: You get 3 quotes, and then you name the movie. I don't expect ANY of my male readership to get this, but I'm puttin' it out there anyway.

"Annie Herman, Boi-oi-OING!"

"When this divorce is final, you'll be shopping at the Pick-N-Save."

"I'll see your marshmellow, and raise you a wiener."