White Toofies! Monday, January 31, 2005

This morning, I went to get my teeth professionally whitened. Honestly, I don't think it made a lick of difference, but other people have noticed. Now I'm stuck eating white foods and water (or milk...two of my absolute LEAST favorite things to drink) for the next 24 hours, and my lower bridge is throbbing like the vein in my father's forehead the morning I crashed his supercharged Buick. OUCH, baby. VERY OUCH.

On the upside, the DDS that consulted for my whitening looked like the lovechild of George Hamilton and Estelle Getty (better as Sophia Petrillo on now-syndicated sitcom "The Golden Girls"). He was short, weirdly skinny (but fat at the same time), and had a tan like you wouldn't believe...it looked as if he'd fallen asleep on some beach for...oh say, about a WEEK.

Maybe he super tans to make his teeth look whiter. Hmmm. Definitely not an option for me. I'd put a photo online of the ivory-white goodness, but frankly, those teeth photos gross me out a little.

Above you will see an example of passe, releve, and barre. (Photo courtesy of Rosalie O'Connor, a professional ballerina who is also quite a talented photographer!)

For the Non-Dancer Readers

Quick, layperson definition of the terms used in my previous post. To aid in these descriptions, imagine that your body is pointing North, like a compass.

Passe (pah-SAY)
Imagine a flamingo, with the foot of one leg rested in the crook of the other leg's knee. Now open the bent leg so that the hips and inner thighs are exposed to the Northeast. Voila! You are standing in passe. Passe can also be done in releve (see item 3).

Barre (BAR)
The barre is a long bar supported by several braces. The barre is used as the primarily implement in a ballet warm-up. Dancers lightly rest their hands on the bar for reinforcement and balance during leg work, bending warm-ups, etc.

Releve (rell-uh-VAY)
Literally translated from its french origin, releve means to raise, or to rise. Step away from your computer and stand with your feet parallel, toes pointing forward. Now lift up off your heels, and balance on the balls of your feet. Ta-dum! You are standing in releve.

Fuggin' (FUH-gin)
Not technically a dance term. Workplace-friendly substitute for a far less appropriate expletive cousin. I'm sure you get my drift. For those of you that don't, may I gently remind you of the album For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. Got it yet?

Irritated Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Last night at ballet, I was reprimanded for "taking artistic liberties" with my hands. Excuse me? This is an adult ballet class, albeit intermediate in difficulty, at a mom/pop shop studio. This isn't fuggin' ABT people - there was a young woman next to me during barre work that almost knocked herself out, falling down from passe position. Yes, you heard me right, a PASSE. Fell. All the way down to the ground.

She clearly doesn't know her head from her arse, and I'm getting scolded for changing the configuration of my fingers during a jump combination? What is that?!

Diet Update

Note to self: do not indulge in massive amounts of starchy foods prior to 6pm ballet class. Oh man, was that a mistake. I've never actually had the problem where my arabesque technique is hindered by the size of my HUGE ASS. So sad. Time to go on a diet!

I rounded out the night with the following:

12 more oz. of Diet Coke (after post, before leaving work)
1 bottle water (during ballet)
2 servings gemicelli pasta with Tomato/Garlic sauce
1 glass Crystal light (with dinner...almost water!)
1 McDonald's chocolate shake

Carb-a-liscious Tuesday, January 25, 2005

So far today (as it is only 3pm CST) I have consumed the following assorted foods:

1 plain McDonald's biscuit
1 McDonald's hash brown patty
2 servings Doritos
1 large bowl of potato/cheddar soup
1 spinach salad w/creamy garlic dressing
1 white bread & nutella sandwich
40 fluid oz. of Diet Coke (approx)
1 glass of water

Something about today has turned me into an eating machine. I can't get enough, particularly of the refined sugars, trans-fats, and carbs. My body is rejecting all things healthy, opting instead to strongly crave anything that is white and made with processed flour. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. Perhaps it's my monthly hormonal rollercoaster wreaking all the havoc (yes, I just admitted that for all the internet to read) but perhaps my total lack of food-related self-discipline is putting in an Oscar-worthy performance.

Somebody, help! This patient needs some fiber and carrots, stat!

Rough Ruff! Monday, January 24, 2005

The dog has recently begun barking excessively for seemingly no reason. For instance, I'll be sitting with him on the couch, and he'll go berserk when one of my roommates walks into the room, or perhaps they had been sitting there, and they shift a bit on the couch. Ridiculous! I don't understand! He doesn't bite, he just lets loose with this awful, menacing, bark. This morning, he leapt off my bed in a blaze of canine fury in an attempt to attack Kate, who was simply going about her morning routine in the kitchen. She wasn't even making any noise.

I feel like perhaps he's attempting to protect me, but once he starts barking, I may as well not even be in the room. It's genuinely weird. We've tried a sonic bark-control collar, but to no avail. I'd rather not buy the collar that shocks him when he barks, so I guess a muzzle is the only option left to me.

Anybody have any great ideas?

Oh my GOD the snow Saturday, January 22, 2005

Seriously, people. This snow is completely out of control. I (literally) lost the dog in a 4-foot snow drift this morning. He ran into it, and being about 25X larger than he is, I couldn't really follow him very well. 5 seconds later, he emerged from his little snow tunnel, covered in snow. I will try and snap a pic tomorrow so you can see the little man in action.

ENOUGH WITH THE SNOW ALREADY!

It is always snowy days, much like today, that make me wish for warmer times...times when we could hang out with the pooch and look out the front window and watch the people go by. Here is my roommate Keri, chillin like a villain, with Doc the Wonder-Mutt. We have the absolute best street for people watching.

Speaking of Speaking

I am such a stalker for posting about this...Have you all listened to the NPR interview featuring Heather Armstrong? I listened, initially, because I was genuinely interested in the subject at hand. I gave it a second listen because The Dooce herself didn't sound ANYTHING like the "voice" I hear in my head when I read her blog. I guess I always figured her writing had a harder edge to it, so if I were casting the "Dooce" animated primetime show, I'd hire oh, let's say Allison Janney or Portia DiRossi. My initial thought for her voice was Kathy Griffin, but let's face it - Dooce deserves better than a maniacal D-lister with a blatant nose job. Anyways, if any of you readers out there also read Dooce, chime in. I'm curious to hear whether you agree, or simply think that I am crazy.

You can hear the interview here. Link courtesy of NPR, by way of Dooce.

Tawk lieek thissss

In the past couple of years, I have discovered that I am becoming increasingly like my mother. On a lot of levels, this discovery (what some might consider nightmarish) really doesn't bother me. I do have one profound concern, however: My mother mispronounces a couple of words. Always has, probably always will. One of my biggest fears is that I will start saying "fra-ita" in place of "fajita," and that my children's halloween outfits will become "costrumes." AAAAAHHHHHH! NO!!!!!!

Yup, my fears warrant all of those exclamation points. In the end, I suppose that this could be the smallest of a pool of potentially much larger problems, but they worry me nonetheless.

Alarm Clock Anonymous Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Hello. My name is Jamie and I'm a snooze button addict. No, really, you're saying to yourself, "Nooo, I'm a bigger snoozer." But that's a lie because I'm the worst alarm clock snoozer that there ever was and ever will be. Somehow I managed to snooze my alarm this morning all the way from 6:51 am to 8:49 am. Oh THAT'S RIGHT - almost 2 whole hours. Which is completely ridiculous, because I went to sleep before midnight. Who in their right mind needs that much sleep?! Apparently, I do.

There was one hidden bonus, however, of the alarm clock fiasco that was this morning: I woke up with the best bedhead EVER. After a long night of sleeping on my teeny curls (that were pulled into a ponytail last night) and assorted hair products, I woke up with perfectly tousled waves...you know, the kind that are really popular in L.A. right now? Can you believe it? What luck! I look like a very short Tawny Kitaen (a la Whitesnake video...teal dress, white car...you know the one). I totally have rock star hair. I figured I shouldn't second-guess the work of the angels that are watching over me from bedhead-land, so I just didn't shower and hopped into some disgusting old sweats and went to work. Niiiice.

I thought about taking a photo of the amazing bedhead, but then it occurred to me that the story would be better left in the folklore that is my blog, as opposed to cemented in reality with photographic proof. So you'll just have to use your imaginations.

ROCK ON!

Weekend Update with Jamie Jamerkins Monday, January 17, 2005

Wow, am I tired. This weekend, I got a chance to meet SMD's family, and had so much fun! I even got the nostalgic tour of northeastern (?) New Jersey from SMD himself. I'm always boggled by the close proximity of the states on the Eastern Seaboard. In one hour, we could've driven through 4 states! Just the idea boggles the mind! My puny, narrow, midwestern brain just couldn't handle that - I'm too used to needing anywhere from 3.5 to 8.5 hours to get from Chicago to any of the Illinois border states (WI excluded). I think I may have asked a hundred times, "What state are we in now?"

Photo Caption Contest Friday, January 14, 2005

I had to postpone yesterday's photo post due to the very special birthday of SMD, but here is the photo for this weekend - may the best caption win!

Vroom Vroom! Thursday, January 13, 2005

So for SMD's birthday, I decided to get him something that he couldn't return and planned an evening of kart racing at a local racing facility. I thought it would be fun to have our close friends there, race a little, eat, relax, have some cake. Turns out I was right! The evening was a success. A bit retro (grocery store sheet cake and go-karts), yes, but lots of fun nonetheless. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to celebrate with us.




The purpose of this posting is not to toot my own horn (couldn't resist the cheesy auto reference pun) but to celebrate a very special birthday, which just happens to be TODAY! Happy 28th, SMD!

Wet Wednesday Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I think the only people who had it worse than me during this morning's commute are the poor people riding the CTA. This morning's rain was messy, dark, sloppy, and quickly turned every remaining bit of snow into a pile of muddy gook. While Doc was enjoying his breakfast (all 10 seconds of it, chew, dog, CHEW!) I looked out at our baby deck, and how the topography of the snow changed with every rain drop that fell on it. Boo club. It's still super gloomy, and wouldn't you know that the window in my office leaks.

I'm starting to get a sense as to why places like Finland and Upper Mongolia have the highest suicide rates on the planet. If I lived somewhere that had weather like this year-round, I'd be crabby too. YUCK!

I've got my eye on you.

What Might Have Been Monday, January 10, 2005

I was looking through an old HS yearbook this evening, and one of the parts of the famous "Senior Survey" is the Q&A. It's like a printed mini-blog for every senior that chooses to contribute. My favorite question to read is always the "biggest regrets" section. Why, you ask?

It's simple: Show me a person who claims to have NO regrets in their life, and I'll show you a liar. It's impossible to be 100% okay with everything you've ever done, and keep that same perspective going forward into the unseen future. Perhaps this is indicative of my inner cynic, but COME ON PEOPLE. Of course there are regrets, and as we all know, identifying the problem is the first step towards recovery.

I regret never becoming a ballerina. Granted, I would be the world's shortest, most manly looking ballerina (given my genetic build and body proportions) but damn it, I'd be happy. Those readers that know me well know that I sublimated this need into other equally challenging forms of dance, but the one thing that will irk me until my dying day is that I never became a ballerina.

What happens to all the kids who say, "When I grow up, I want to be a ...."? Where are all the firemen, policemen, nurses, and astronauts? Are we REALLY TRULY doing what we always thought we would? When playing pretend as a child, I sure as hell don't remember ever wanting to dress up as a Customer Service Representative. Don't get me wrong, I like my job a lot. I do. But what happened to the simple dream? Where did it go? Is it hiding somewhere in my brain, waiting to rear it's ugly head when I'm 45 and longing for the days when I could do the splits?

Furthermore, if given the opportunity to follow a simple dream like this, what is it about the complexity of adulthood that prevents us from single-mindedly following the dream into fruition? Obligations to others, or perhaps children? When did we all stop paying attention to what we really want, and start doing everything for other people? I'm not even 26 yet, and I'm already regretting things in my life that I didn't do. What do we do when our childhood dreams become a memory, instead of an opportunity, and what happens next?

What do you regret?

Drum Roll Please....

The winner of the Inaugural Photo Caption Contest is Jen H, with her clever entry - complete with reference to my own dear pup, Doc. Her prize will be determined as soon as I can make a run to the Dollar Store for some high-quality goodies. CONGRATULATIONS, JENNIFER! (cue circus music and unicycle-riding primates)

Welcome to Jen W and KB, who are new to this blog. So glad to have you here! One word of warning, however - I am very likely to have more pointless postings than profound ones, so be sure to keep your expectations low. :)

Have a great week, all.

New Year, New Tradition Thursday, January 06, 2005

I've decided that every Thursday, I'm going to find a ridiculous photo on the internet and put it on this site. You readers will then, if you choose, submit what you think the best caption would be for the photo. I know, I know, this is a bit of a Maxim ripoff, but I think it will be fun and interesting.

I will choose the most entertaining caption over the weekend, and announce the winner on the following Monday. May the most clever reader win! Oooh, what shall the prize be? Perhaps my undying love and devotion? A scholarship to stand-up comedy fantasy camp? More on this later.

I figured I'd start with a classic photo - enjoy!

Give Good Code?

Could somebody who knows what the hell they're talking about please inform me on how to change my sidebar? I've been attempting to alter the code so that it's not tiny and in all-caps, but to no avail. Talk about frustrating.

HELP! MY SIDEBAR LOOKS SO UGLY!

Dyn-O-Mite! Monday, January 03, 2005

SMD and I rented "Napoleon Dynamite" last night from our local video store. I really found it interesting. There are scenes in that movie that are SO INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE that one finds themselves wondering, "did my high school have geeks like that?!" I can personally recall several people from my graduating class that I could have cast in this film - myself included. I really related to the character of Deb, I'm almost frightened to admit. This is someone who is so caught up in her own life that she fails to see the way she presents herself to others. This is also someone who wore a side ponytail, stirrup pants with sneakers, and had multiple keychains hanging from her belt. (Well, technically, I did this in junior high, not high school...but who's paying attention to those details anyhow?)

The bottom line? This movie speaks to all of us who have done something so embarassing that we've just wanted to hang up the phone without a goodbye, or run away and go home, or hide under the cafeteria table. Incredibly clever film!

Happy New Year! Saturday, January 01, 2005

Here's to you, dear readers: May you keep your resolutions longer than me, may you not take Tylenol for hangover relief (apparently it's toxic to your kidneys), and may you have a happy and healthy 2005. My blog will be here for your entertainment. Welcome to the vacuum.

This year, I plan to reorganize my thinking. I plan to be aware of what I'm putting in my mouth, be aware of the words that come out of my mouth, and to be more gracious with people when they annoy me. Which is often. I promise to be proactive, not reactive. This is not a resolution, it's a promise to myself.

I also plan on reading more blogs. Here's to you, blogdom!